Life...

Life...spiraling...out...of...control.

Things swirling around in my head:

Secret marriage, graduation, moving, college, bills, missing best friend, upset parents, medical problems, missing prescriptions, the list goes on...

What eighteen year-old deserves this? I suppose if you believe in karma, I must've done something, but eh.

Someone...just shoot me.

News from the West Coast

I'm over here on the west coast posting from my sister's house. I have roughly 4 hours before I'm leaving for the airport to go back home.
This trip was fantastic and horrible all the same time.
I loved spending time with my sister and nephew. I even like my sister's new boyfriend. (We played Rock Band together for like 3 hours.) No, we really didn't go out a lot, but that was okay. I saw one of my mom's old friends for the first time since I was like three and she's convinced me that I want a puppy.
The bad part was that I couldn't stop thinking about going to see John. I'm so much closer and still so far away. Right now we're having a text message argument about why I should want to go home instead of running away to see him. He's winning because he's cheating. He apparently mailed me something so that it'd be there when I got back. It's evil because he knew I wouldn't want to leave. That's the problem with having such a close friend; their best and most annoying quality is that they know you so well.


Well I have to "wake up" and go in about 4 hours so I guess I should go pass out.


Oh yea...and I got back with the ex. He's no longer the ex.

Relief

He's alive. He's getting separated because of his problems, but John is alive. Now if only he were coming home to the East Coast. I know it's kind of selfish, but I miss him.

Actually maybe I'll just move closer to him....The ex is offering to move me to Colorado with him. I don't know if that means that the marriage plans would have to be back on (in which case my answer is a solid NO), but if not that could be a possibility. There's also always the option of moving in with John. I don't know if he's mad at me for telling his girl about the OD-thing, but we'll figure it out.

Oh well, this will all probably be cleared up by next week.

Lost

I need him to come back to me...to life. He's still "alive," but I haven't heard from him in almost a week. It's killing me.

"At Least He's Alive"

"At least he's alive..."

That's all I've been hearing all day. What kind of comfort is that? The fact is my best friend tried to killed himself. I don't think anything is going to be much of a comfort. If people want to make me feel better, they can buy me a fucking plane ticket. I know I'll feel at least a little better being where I can watch him and make sure no one (including himself) can hurt him.

On top of that, my ex has been a complete douche tonight. I think he's jealous that I care so much about John. He thinks it's unfair that I'm giving so much of my attention to John when he (my ex) has a torn ACL. Boo-Fucking-Hoo. A torn ACL won't kill him. Taking a handful of muscle relaxers will kill John.

And just to spite me...the ex had to talk about our currently non-existent relationship, like that fucking mattered at all to me right now. I'm in tears over my best friend...I've been crying for almost 22 hours straight, and all he wants to do is tell me how much I'm hurting him. And how I'm just fucking with him and toying with his mind. I'm not the one who keeps bringing it up. I'm not the one who keeps calling and texting. I'm not the one who can't give it a rest for a single fucking day.

I knew

I knew it couldn't last.
Everything was perfect.
Then my world almost completely caved in this morning and I didn't even know it.

I knew something was wrong when John didn't text me good morning. I just got progressively more worried over the day. Then one of the first texts I get is about how he's in pain and he's not going back to training. The part that kills me is he wait until tonight to tell me that he ODed this morning. And he's hasn't talked to me since.

I don't know what I'm feeling right now. Frankly, I'm lucky I know where the keys are otherwise I'd have no idea what I'm writing.

Was it on purpose? Is he okay now? What the hell is going on? Why aren't I on my way to California?

I hate this. I need to stop crying, but all I can think is I almost lost him.

Looking up

Things are still looking up.
And, I have to admit, that I honestly didn't think they would continue to do so. It's the pessimistic side of me speaking, but I truly thought I would get a small glimpse of happiness and then have it shredded away.
But it just may be here to stay. What a joyous thought!
My days have just gotten better all of the sudden. No rhyme or reason. I'm understanding Chemistry for a change and getting decent grades...I know where I'm going to college at least for the next two years and probably even the two after that. My spanish teacher (from a couple of years ago) came through in a major way and GAVE me her old textbooks. My lovely mentor is going to tudor me in spanish, so that I might have a chance of doing well in the placement tests.

Today was just a fantastic day. I hope this feeling lasts, but if not I'll just enjoy it while I can.

A Good Spot

Usually it takes something really horrible happening to realize how good you have or had it (depending on how truly horrible said incident was). Tonight, something great happened and had the same effect. I found a balance.
Don't depend on one person to make you happy, not even yourself. Honestly, that whole you're-the-only-person-who-can-make-you-happy lecture is a bunch of bullshit. You have to be willing to be happy, not like the emo kids who are only happy when they have something to be unhappy about, but people were the happiest when they lived in small villages and had to depend on each other.
My balance is don't put all of my stock in others or in myself. I make mistakes, too. And if I only depend on myself, who will be there to help me pull myself out of the hole if I get in over my head? No one. And sure I could work my own way out, but it'd take a hell of a lot longer and probably make me bitter in the end.
Bitter people upset me. They have no one to blame, but themselves and their pride. Still they hate everyone else. Trust no one. Depend on no one. Love no one.

It took finding out that John is coming home soon and that there might actually be another decent guy out there, but I've finally figured out that to love you have to trust and depend on others.

lonely

I hate being lonely. Loneliness is the bane of my existence.

I think it's because when I'm lonely being around people doesn't help. It just makes me more lonely. Everyone is hanging on someone. Everyone has plans already. It just sucks.

And I find one guy...ONE guy...who actually wants to spend time with me and he's two hours away. I wish that I knew for sure whether or not my car would make it that far, but I'm pretty sure it won't.

breathe

Finally, I can breathe. I don't know what's made this change, but it's definitely a welcome change. I feel like a gaping hole in my chest has been filled and a pressure has been lifted. I think I've figured out what's going on in my life now. Some things are more important than others. Family, friends, school, then work. Since things aren't going great with my family or with school...the job got the boot. I'll make it without it.

It means no new clothes. Not a lot of gas. Things like that, but I've been living like that for awhile, and being a waitress isn't really doing much to change that except that it's stealing my self-esteem. Being a waitress can do that. Some people treat you like dirt, others treat you like a piece of meat. I just feel demeaned on a daily basis. And when something's wrong it's never one of your co-workers fault...you called the order wrong, you should've just magically known that the food was done before it got cold, you should neglect your customers to do your shift switch jobs. It's all bullshit.

But Tuesday is my last day. I don't have to worry about it anymore.

Mexico

The only reason I'm not on my way to Mexico right now ... "You're there and that makes it worth everything else."

And this is why John is my best friend in the entire world. Who else could say that? My ex-boyfriend? Yea, and would he still say it if I told him there was never a chance of me having sex with anyone ever again, period?
Probably not.

I need him to come home...I need to go to him.

Slow Down

Why do all the guys I talk to want to move so fast?

I talk to them for like two hours before they're like, "Will you be my girlfriend?" What could they possibly know about me that could convince them so quickly? Or is it all about sex???
I just want sex, right now, to be honest. I know that make me seem like a slut, but fuck that double standard. I should be able to fuck just as many people as guys without being known as a slut.

I don't get it. John would side with me, were he here, but he's not. Ugh. Sometimes I wish I didn't need him so much, but I'd probably be miserable without him. Anyway, I'm keeping it short tonight. This was just what I was thinking about.

My Bestie

First off, let me tell you...bestie = best friend in the entire world.

My bestie is on the other side of the world right now. Or at least it seems like it. I miss him more than I should. But I told you I'd write about our weird relationship.

John* is the greatest guy in the world. He's smart and cute and sexy...and nothing will ever happen between us. Not just because of the boobs, but because we have something so great that sex would ruin it. I wouldn't risk what we have for anything or any one. Not even for the man I love, which is currently my ex, but I'm trying not to love him. Believe it or not John and I can spend an entire weekend together...nights and all...and not worry about the sexual tension. I like that I can cuddle with him and he doesn't try to feel me up and never would. Is that weird? Probably, but I don't care.
If anyone actually took the time to listen to our conversations or look at our texts it would seem like we're dating. And that's the beauty of it. We have that closeness of an intimate relationship without the sex or jealously to fuck it up.
Lately, John and I haven't talked as much as I'd like, but I think it's because he's going through a rough time and he knows it's hard for me to hear him like that and not be there to hold him. Not being there to truly comfort him kills me. And I know that when I hurt it does the same to him. The thing that really kills me is not talking to him at all. I miss him. I need him. John is my sanity, but I don't think he knows that. Maybe I'll tell him tonight.

*John isn't his real name, but seeing as I don't want you to know who I am...I suppose you shouldn't know who my friends are either.

My Life

How did boobs become my life? How do they come up on a daily basis?
Why do I let them? Or more important why haven't I stopped them?

My boobs are not the only part of me that are beautiful, if they are really beautiful at all. I don't think they are. I think they're just huge and therefore draw fascination. They're just like every other deformity at a freakshow except that people don't find them freaky.

Well except for my bestie. He hates big boobs. I think that's why I love him so much. No...I take that back....not why I love him, but rather how I came to love him. We have a rather odd relationship, but that's for another blog.

Seriously though, I just wish for a day I could go back to 3rd grade before I had a bra...well, that means the first half of 3rd grade. It was just nice to really be just one of the guys...especially since I still don't hang out with girls. Now all I know is that my bestie is the only guy who can go a whole day without even looking at my chest. And he's gone. For a while. And it's driving me insane. I need that one who can look at me and know what I'm thinking.

Well, I'm out for now. I suppose I'll be back when I can.