News from the West Coast

I'm over here on the west coast posting from my sister's house. I have roughly 4 hours before I'm leaving for the airport to go back home.
This trip was fantastic and horrible all the same time.
I loved spending time with my sister and nephew. I even like my sister's new boyfriend. (We played Rock Band together for like 3 hours.) No, we really didn't go out a lot, but that was okay. I saw one of my mom's old friends for the first time since I was like three and she's convinced me that I want a puppy.
The bad part was that I couldn't stop thinking about going to see John. I'm so much closer and still so far away. Right now we're having a text message argument about why I should want to go home instead of running away to see him. He's winning because he's cheating. He apparently mailed me something so that it'd be there when I got back. It's evil because he knew I wouldn't want to leave. That's the problem with having such a close friend; their best and most annoying quality is that they know you so well.


Well I have to "wake up" and go in about 4 hours so I guess I should go pass out.


Oh yea...and I got back with the ex. He's no longer the ex.

Relief

He's alive. He's getting separated because of his problems, but John is alive. Now if only he were coming home to the East Coast. I know it's kind of selfish, but I miss him.

Actually maybe I'll just move closer to him....The ex is offering to move me to Colorado with him. I don't know if that means that the marriage plans would have to be back on (in which case my answer is a solid NO), but if not that could be a possibility. There's also always the option of moving in with John. I don't know if he's mad at me for telling his girl about the OD-thing, but we'll figure it out.

Oh well, this will all probably be cleared up by next week.

Lost

I need him to come back to me...to life. He's still "alive," but I haven't heard from him in almost a week. It's killing me.

"At Least He's Alive"

"At least he's alive..."

That's all I've been hearing all day. What kind of comfort is that? The fact is my best friend tried to killed himself. I don't think anything is going to be much of a comfort. If people want to make me feel better, they can buy me a fucking plane ticket. I know I'll feel at least a little better being where I can watch him and make sure no one (including himself) can hurt him.

On top of that, my ex has been a complete douche tonight. I think he's jealous that I care so much about John. He thinks it's unfair that I'm giving so much of my attention to John when he (my ex) has a torn ACL. Boo-Fucking-Hoo. A torn ACL won't kill him. Taking a handful of muscle relaxers will kill John.

And just to spite me...the ex had to talk about our currently non-existent relationship, like that fucking mattered at all to me right now. I'm in tears over my best friend...I've been crying for almost 22 hours straight, and all he wants to do is tell me how much I'm hurting him. And how I'm just fucking with him and toying with his mind. I'm not the one who keeps bringing it up. I'm not the one who keeps calling and texting. I'm not the one who can't give it a rest for a single fucking day.

I knew

I knew it couldn't last.
Everything was perfect.
Then my world almost completely caved in this morning and I didn't even know it.

I knew something was wrong when John didn't text me good morning. I just got progressively more worried over the day. Then one of the first texts I get is about how he's in pain and he's not going back to training. The part that kills me is he wait until tonight to tell me that he ODed this morning. And he's hasn't talked to me since.

I don't know what I'm feeling right now. Frankly, I'm lucky I know where the keys are otherwise I'd have no idea what I'm writing.

Was it on purpose? Is he okay now? What the hell is going on? Why aren't I on my way to California?

I hate this. I need to stop crying, but all I can think is I almost lost him.

Looking up

Things are still looking up.
And, I have to admit, that I honestly didn't think they would continue to do so. It's the pessimistic side of me speaking, but I truly thought I would get a small glimpse of happiness and then have it shredded away.
But it just may be here to stay. What a joyous thought!
My days have just gotten better all of the sudden. No rhyme or reason. I'm understanding Chemistry for a change and getting decent grades...I know where I'm going to college at least for the next two years and probably even the two after that. My spanish teacher (from a couple of years ago) came through in a major way and GAVE me her old textbooks. My lovely mentor is going to tudor me in spanish, so that I might have a chance of doing well in the placement tests.

Today was just a fantastic day. I hope this feeling lasts, but if not I'll just enjoy it while I can.

A Good Spot

Usually it takes something really horrible happening to realize how good you have or had it (depending on how truly horrible said incident was). Tonight, something great happened and had the same effect. I found a balance.
Don't depend on one person to make you happy, not even yourself. Honestly, that whole you're-the-only-person-who-can-make-you-happy lecture is a bunch of bullshit. You have to be willing to be happy, not like the emo kids who are only happy when they have something to be unhappy about, but people were the happiest when they lived in small villages and had to depend on each other.
My balance is don't put all of my stock in others or in myself. I make mistakes, too. And if I only depend on myself, who will be there to help me pull myself out of the hole if I get in over my head? No one. And sure I could work my own way out, but it'd take a hell of a lot longer and probably make me bitter in the end.
Bitter people upset me. They have no one to blame, but themselves and their pride. Still they hate everyone else. Trust no one. Depend on no one. Love no one.

It took finding out that John is coming home soon and that there might actually be another decent guy out there, but I've finally figured out that to love you have to trust and depend on others.