lonely

I hate being lonely. Loneliness is the bane of my existence.

I think it's because when I'm lonely being around people doesn't help. It just makes me more lonely. Everyone is hanging on someone. Everyone has plans already. It just sucks.

And I find one guy...ONE guy...who actually wants to spend time with me and he's two hours away. I wish that I knew for sure whether or not my car would make it that far, but I'm pretty sure it won't.

breathe

Finally, I can breathe. I don't know what's made this change, but it's definitely a welcome change. I feel like a gaping hole in my chest has been filled and a pressure has been lifted. I think I've figured out what's going on in my life now. Some things are more important than others. Family, friends, school, then work. Since things aren't going great with my family or with school...the job got the boot. I'll make it without it.

It means no new clothes. Not a lot of gas. Things like that, but I've been living like that for awhile, and being a waitress isn't really doing much to change that except that it's stealing my self-esteem. Being a waitress can do that. Some people treat you like dirt, others treat you like a piece of meat. I just feel demeaned on a daily basis. And when something's wrong it's never one of your co-workers fault...you called the order wrong, you should've just magically known that the food was done before it got cold, you should neglect your customers to do your shift switch jobs. It's all bullshit.

But Tuesday is my last day. I don't have to worry about it anymore.

Mexico

The only reason I'm not on my way to Mexico right now ... "You're there and that makes it worth everything else."

And this is why John is my best friend in the entire world. Who else could say that? My ex-boyfriend? Yea, and would he still say it if I told him there was never a chance of me having sex with anyone ever again, period?
Probably not.

I need him to come home...I need to go to him.

Slow Down

Why do all the guys I talk to want to move so fast?

I talk to them for like two hours before they're like, "Will you be my girlfriend?" What could they possibly know about me that could convince them so quickly? Or is it all about sex???
I just want sex, right now, to be honest. I know that make me seem like a slut, but fuck that double standard. I should be able to fuck just as many people as guys without being known as a slut.

I don't get it. John would side with me, were he here, but he's not. Ugh. Sometimes I wish I didn't need him so much, but I'd probably be miserable without him. Anyway, I'm keeping it short tonight. This was just what I was thinking about.

My Bestie

First off, let me tell you...bestie = best friend in the entire world.

My bestie is on the other side of the world right now. Or at least it seems like it. I miss him more than I should. But I told you I'd write about our weird relationship.

John* is the greatest guy in the world. He's smart and cute and sexy...and nothing will ever happen between us. Not just because of the boobs, but because we have something so great that sex would ruin it. I wouldn't risk what we have for anything or any one. Not even for the man I love, which is currently my ex, but I'm trying not to love him. Believe it or not John and I can spend an entire weekend together...nights and all...and not worry about the sexual tension. I like that I can cuddle with him and he doesn't try to feel me up and never would. Is that weird? Probably, but I don't care.
If anyone actually took the time to listen to our conversations or look at our texts it would seem like we're dating. And that's the beauty of it. We have that closeness of an intimate relationship without the sex or jealously to fuck it up.
Lately, John and I haven't talked as much as I'd like, but I think it's because he's going through a rough time and he knows it's hard for me to hear him like that and not be there to hold him. Not being there to truly comfort him kills me. And I know that when I hurt it does the same to him. The thing that really kills me is not talking to him at all. I miss him. I need him. John is my sanity, but I don't think he knows that. Maybe I'll tell him tonight.

*John isn't his real name, but seeing as I don't want you to know who I am...I suppose you shouldn't know who my friends are either.

My Life

How did boobs become my life? How do they come up on a daily basis?
Why do I let them? Or more important why haven't I stopped them?

My boobs are not the only part of me that are beautiful, if they are really beautiful at all. I don't think they are. I think they're just huge and therefore draw fascination. They're just like every other deformity at a freakshow except that people don't find them freaky.

Well except for my bestie. He hates big boobs. I think that's why I love him so much. No...I take that back....not why I love him, but rather how I came to love him. We have a rather odd relationship, but that's for another blog.

Seriously though, I just wish for a day I could go back to 3rd grade before I had a bra...well, that means the first half of 3rd grade. It was just nice to really be just one of the guys...especially since I still don't hang out with girls. Now all I know is that my bestie is the only guy who can go a whole day without even looking at my chest. And he's gone. For a while. And it's driving me insane. I need that one who can look at me and know what I'm thinking.

Well, I'm out for now. I suppose I'll be back when I can.